Jack

I died but my sister is going to take my job don’t worry about it.

Everything I’ve written so far is prehumous.

Most sand is average speed. Quick sand is like 2 or 3 standard deviations over.

I thought being able to wiggle my ears was going to be bigger deal in life.

Four Seasons of the Midwest:

Polar Vortex
Tornado Time
Heat Dome
Wildfire Fallout

I can’t believe Taylor Swift is getting divorced. (saving for later)

I’m still chasing the high of a family dinner at the local Pizza Hut with the sit down Super Mario / Ice Climber table arcade game where my parents let me use my Book It points for a personal pan pepperoni pizza & Pepsi.

Casually walking into busienss meetings with the Nintendo Power Glove on.

Voted most likely to run from office.

Guys, if you’re going to mock an old man ON HIS POTENTIAL DEATH BED please make sure it’s really funny.

Serious putty

If you unironically refer to it as “the deed” I’m not sure we’d be friends.

Somewhere in the world, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend when he’s in his mid-70s, was just born.

Men leave a trail of urine so we can find our way back to the toilet.

“Do you make the same face when you eat something delicious and when you have an orgasm?” is not an appropriate business meeting ice breaker and I know that now.

Let’s light the moon on fire.

Chutes and Ladders should just be called Slides.

You ever take a picture of a loved one and think “wow this is a great pic I’ll probably longingly look at this one if anything tragic ever happened to them”?

Last year, more Americans gambled than read a book.

I’m going to start a TikTok about gambling and also recap books that people will never read.

Going to light 250 flags for America’s birthday. 🇺🇸

I asked my wife to the prom!

Prohistamine

I preordered the 2027 road atlas.

Topless book club 🍷