Jack

If I ever had a DNA editing robot I’d probably name it Gene Hackman as a little joke.

Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper - no pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand me?

Oven clock, we meet again.

When I was a kid restaurants were divided into smoking and second hand smoking sections.

You will be visited by 3 ghosts

Maybe the internet will calm me down

Maybe God is mad at us because we had the hubris to claim we could build bears.

RFK Jr. recommends moving west for ‘dry climate’ instead of a flu shot.

I’m at the age where with most of the new music I listen to I’m not sure which name is the artist and which is the album.

Ewok is short for electronic wok.

As a kid I never imagined I’d be richer than my dad, older than Batman, and smarter than the President.

I just need to go to bed for a few years.

Sorry I haven’t been very active on here the last week my 11 year old has been describing a video game to me.

“Mark my words.”

- me turning in an essay

If “America 2024” was a book this would be the cover.

Shut the fuck up the Sesame Street pinball number video is on

Gulf of Your Mom

We act like the “Murder, She Wrote” and “Magnum, P.I.” crossover wasn’t the apex of western culture.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 but it’s us watching the fall of America.

When someone is knocking on your door trying to sell you something a fun game is to knock back but not answer.

Please don’t come to America until we stop acting like a rabid raccoon.

I quit

Being pregnant is kind of goth because you have a skeleton inside you.

let’s call this one the Best Depression