The worst people in the world are like "They must be getting paid to hate me" when in reality everyone is happy to hate them for free
Zohran: Imagine living in a city where you can afford your rent, your groceries and even a meal at a restaurant now and then without much stress
Eric Adams: Imagine a platypus so powerful that it could destroy the city. We need more cops
Lee Jae-myung, the South Korean politician who climbed the fence of the parliament to get inside and vote against martial law, has been elected president. Pretty cooool
I guess it's fitting that it's a reimagined, worse version of someone else's artwork
The dystopian films never show the part where you're just hoping the bad guy is too stupid to accomplish his goals
[writing the constitution]
Benjamin Franklin: Write down "no dumb fucks as president"
Alexander Hamilton: Stop saying that
Benjamin Franklin: I'm tellin' you. You're gonna regret not writing that down
You come to me, on the day of my son's wedding, which I am not attending
Remember to log off sometimes. You can't rage post for four years straight without losing your mind
The head of the FBI isn't supposed to be getting blackout drunk. He's supposed to be cross-dressing
I've long been a fan of Senator... [checks notes] ... Van Halen
We really do have the weirdest, creepiest robber barons imaginable
Trump becomes the first American president to lose a Canadian election
Canadians are pissed off. Cory Booker is pissed off. It's revenge of the nice people out here
My friend just asked me to pet sit for Christmas week. I'll be with this lady
You literally sound like a communist
I'm going to start saying "art of the deal" every time I do something really stupid and then start backtracking
I'm sorry but I think it's kind of funny that we've all reached "Yeah I guess someone tried to get him again whatever"