The Onion

Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn’t Know

Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...

Nation Could Have Sworn Russell Brand Was Already Convicted Sex Offender

Nation Could Have Sworn Russell Brand Was Already Convicted Sex Offender

NEW YORK—Stressing that the memory seemed so fresh and vivid in their minds, the confused nation announced Monday that they could have sworn British entertainer Russell Brand was already a convicted s...

Weapon Added To Each Thanksgiving Place Setting In Preparation For Blowout Family Argument

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens theonion.com/no-way-to-pr...

LeBron James Denies Son Receiving Preferential Treatment When Being Lifted Up To Dunk
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Kennedy Curse Sure Taking Its Sweet Time With RFK Jr.

Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips
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Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together

‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access

‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access

PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minut...

Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

Pete Hegseth Blows Into Breathalyzer To Unlock Phone

WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stup...

Stephen Miller Dead Behind Eyes At 39

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto https://theonion.com/man-who-threw-molotov-cocktail-at-sam-altmans-home-claims-he-was-following-chatgpt-recipe-for-risotto/

Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’

Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery

Pete Hegseth Calls For Steep Cuts To Number Of Steps In AA Recovery

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous...

Trump Locks Bathroom Door So Elon Musk Can’t Follow Him In
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Earth Explodes
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