The Onion

A24’s ‘Elden Ring’ Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set https://theonion.com/a24s-elden-ring-film-stalled-after-red-phantom-named-twinkpunisher-invades-set/

CEO Reveals How He Used AI To Build One-Person Company That's $1.3 Billion In Debt

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DNC Vows To Replace Graham Platner With Establishment Rapist

Cobweb-Covered Skeleton Gripping Senate Desk Expected To Seek 15th Term

It Only Tuesday https://theonion.com/it-only-tuesday-1819569397/

Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer https://theonion.com/nation-wakes-up-from-strange-dream-where-they-were-watching-soccer/

U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week

Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham https://theonion.com/paramedics-praised-for-being-too-late-to-save-lindsey-graham/

Landlord Forced To Raise Rent Due To Thinking Of Bigger Number https://theonion.com/landlord-forced-to-raise-rent-due-to-thinking-of-bigger-1850922943/

Tate Brothers Vehemently Deny They Did Anything Consensual

Nation Turns 250 Despite Presence Of Irish https://theonion.com/nation-turns-250-despite-presence-of-irish/

‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens https://bit.ly/4eTxZ8V

Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices https://theonion.com/woman-who-doesn-t-use-facebook-completely-out-of-touch-1819579007/

Hostess Discontinues Physical Twinkies https://theonion.com/hostess-discontinues-physical-twinkies/

Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/

Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer https://theonion.com/good-scissors-not-in-the-fucking-drawer-1827516871/

Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance https://theonion.com/andy-reid-approaches-floor-for-traditional-coach-tight-end-wedding-dance/

Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass https://theonion.com/yak-hopes-they-never-stop-making-grass/

“Paramedics had a very short window to save Sen. Graham, and thankfully they did not make it in time,” said George Washington University Hospital cardiologist Dr. Eric Fallstaff

Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that every second counted during a cardiac episode, doctors on Monday praised first responders for being too late to save Lindsay Graham from an aortic dissection. “Paramedics h...

Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston

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Study: 97% Of Average American’s Day Spent Retrieving 6-Digit Codes https://theonion.com/study-97-of-average-americans-day-spent-retrieving-6-digit-codes/

Report: That’s Enough Soccer For Now https://theonion.com/report-thats-enough-soccer-for-now/

‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens

‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens

WASHINGTON—Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity’s power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demand...

Study Finds There Aren’t Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls https://theonion.com/study-finds-there-arent-enough-occasions-where-you-get-to-eat-rolls/