The Onion

Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn’t Know

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens theonion.com/no-way-to-pr...

‘You Can’t Let This Happen,’ Says Fundraising Email From Sitting U.S. Congressperson

Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’

White House Begins Christmas Season With Ceremonial Lighting Of Cross

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto https://theonion.com/man-who-threw-molotov-cocktail-at-sam-altmans-home-claims-he-was-following-chatgpt-recipe-for-risotto/

Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...

Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’

Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff

Clarence Thomas Torn Over Case Where Both Sides Offer Compelling Scuba Trips
theonion.com/clarence-tho...

Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started

Kennedy Curse Sure Taking Its Sweet Time With RFK Jr.

‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access

‘We Must Protect The Pure Aryan Bloodline,’ Says Child After 9 Minutes Of Unsupervised Facebook Access

PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minut...

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177/

FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

WASHINGTON—Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a “highly credible terrorist threat,” the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back an...