Staced & Whirled

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Like an octopus getting out of a sports bra, so are the days of our lives.

Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Him: I’m an idea man
Interviewer: What are your weaknesses?
Him: My ideas suck

Melee is a pretty name for a girl

Why do they call it urology and not streaming services?

People wouldn’t hate dentists if they gave forehead kisses.

Me taking all my tweets since 2009 to every other social media site

Cheese is like a wig for your cracker.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

God: If you can do 1 push up, I’ll let you live

T-Rex: *looks down at arms* Fuck

It’s not enough to impeach him, let’s oust him.

How many ounces of tater tots does it take to get to the center of a midlife crisis?

Roses are red,
Sex can be mellow
OR you could be

Jellyfish are just goth plastic bags.

Hulk BOOBS
Hulk SMASH
Hulk MAMMOGRAM

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

Well kids, back in my day, we had to find out face to face how tiny their dick was.

My net worth is now one large jar of Peter Pan creamy peanut butter.

Men will let America descend into Planet of the Apes without going to therapy.

Triscuits are miniature wicker placemats for cheese.

[In therapy]

Why do I have to share my fries with him?

You know what else drives itself, my existential crisis.

I hate when my insomnia kicks in at work.

Ewoks are just goth Care Bears.