Staced & Whirled

Like an octopus getting out of a sports bra, so are the days of our lives.

Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Him: I’m an idea man
Interviewer: What are your weaknesses?
Him: My ideas suck

Jellyfish are just goth plastic bags.

Why do they call it urology and not streaming services?

People wouldn’t hate dentists if they gave forehead kisses.

Cheese is like a wig for your cracker.

God: If you can do 1 push up, I’ll let you live

T-Rex: *looks down at arms* Fuck

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Me taking all my tweets since 2009 to every other social media site

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Triscuits are miniature wicker placemats for cheese.

Ewoks are just goth Care Bears.

Well kids, back in my day, we had to find out face to face how tiny their dick was.

*during sex*
Me: hurt me
Him: *puts a Triscuit in my mouth*

How many ounces of tater tots does it take to get to the center of a midlife crisis?

Melee is a pretty name for a girl

You know what else drives itself, my existential crisis.

They said do what you love, so I went back to sleep.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

[In therapy]

Why do I have to share my fries with him?

[First day as a couples therapist]

Me: ok, now load the dishwasher

Hulk BOOBS
Hulk SMASH
Hulk MAMMOGRAM

I hate when my insomnia kicks in at work.

Like scarves wrapped around the neck of Johnny Depp, so are the days of our lives.