Ennui Doofen

them: you never age, what's your secret?

me: actually, i've just been kind of sad and eating a lot of toast

them: maybe it's your lipgloss?

me: that's butter

Some days I'm very careful who I follow and other days I'm like well you reposted a guy named Fart's pic of a one-eyed pug, and that's good enough for me

asking how i'm feeling is just like asking what i'm having for dinner while i'm hunched over the sink shoveling cold leftovers in my mouth. it ain't great, look away

I want to drink my cold brew out of a baby bottle while I close my eyes and twirl my hair around one finger but not in a weird way

as a former kid who placed coins over the eyes of my dolls at night for the boatman, i forgot what i was about to say but i'm sure it was very normal

When I said I was going to get a lot done today, I was a person who had no idea my shirt was going to feel so weird

Grief comes out in strange places, like the self-checkout

Me, yelling at the machine: THAT'S GREAT, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY UNEXPECTED ITEMS MY LIFE HAS HAD

announcing for all to hear that i've got the malaise of centuries of ancestors wailing in my bones only to realize it's just time for breakfast

I told Arlo to quit being so cute, but he's feeling rebellious today

"New day, new me!" I announce hopefully, right before I hit my shin on the bed in the same spot I always do

lightning struck right outside my window and I realized I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want it to be loud

Storm chasers were asking for tornado footage from ppl who live in Dallas today. A woman responded with videos of three kangaroos in her yard, and said "All kangaroos are fine!" I will be using that as an answer for how I'm doing from now on

I'd like to open this morning with an icebreaking exercise. Should be fun, because you all get to hear a story about yourself. Ready? These are unique ways I imagined murdering each of you when I was bored in last week's meeting:

new migraine treatment just dropped

I think I'd rather have a social network that's all about giving crows gifts and posting pics of the gifts they bring in return

a woman posted a pic in a group chat of a baby turkey she bought thinking it was a chicken. She captioned the pic "IS THIS A TURKEY?!?"

Anyway, I haven't been here because I've been yelling IS THIS A TURKEY at everything. You should try it

the face i make when i have a great idea, before i realize the inevitable repercussions

when i grow up i want to stop spilling things on my clothes

i'm so close to standing on the side of the road barefoot wearing a sandwich board that says the end is nigh, like i'm just looking for the right hat at this point

Ask your doctor if Anxiety Turtle™️ is right for you

In case of racist uncles or dead moms or someone saying "only two genders" or your gifts didn't arrive on time or you have a tummy ache or this day is just awkward and you wish it was over:

Arlo loves you as you are. You can be okay anyway and it's okay to not be okay. Happy Thursday!

two modes:
-cannot fall asleep because something could happen
-have to fall asleep because cannot handle one more thing happening

My mom just tried marijuana medicinally. I got a message from her very seriously saying, "I think I made an important discovery. The discovery is that my short term memory isn't."

Nothing will ever punctuate a sentence like slamming down a rotary phone did