Coach Rusty

They told me my English degree was worthless and yet here I am using words to get 12 likes on the internet so

Being the “cool” uncle has its perks, my Wiccan niece just showed up and whispered to me you’re the only person here I’m not cursing

“But if I post on Friday night will anybody see it?!” Bruh everyone here is 45 we’re all at home like you are

"bluesky is so empty" bro I posted on a message board for a whole decade until there was like 4 of us left you can't scare me

There’s a hawk with a snake in its mouth who’s been sitting on my mailbox and staring at me through the window since dawn. Is this bad it seems bad

Pro tip to the new folks - you really don’t have to announce that you came from Twitter in your bio, we literally all did. It’s like saying you were born out of a vagina

Boss: what would you say was your biggest accomplishment last year

Me: when I caught a scorpion and a hornet in the same jar and made them fight

Boss: ...I meant at work

Me: that did happen at work

Hey I see you struggling and just want you to remember you can always do that somewhere more private

[creating bluesky] what if there was a website where everyone is 46

Bluesky bios are great I wish people in real life had to give you a notecard with what the fuck is wrong with them before you decide whether to talk to them or not

My favorite part about No Scrubs is how it just immediately defines what scrub is, I honestly wish more songs would explain what the hell they’re talking about right out of the gate

If you haven't been on Bluesky in a while, the proper protocol is to come back and say "almost forgot about this app lol" and then disappear for good this time

People will claim to love ASMR and then refuse to come listen to the Victorian-era child ghost whispering in my attic

If Bluesky is dead then how are you watching this video of a turtle running away from me at top speed

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Imagine if when you died you immediately got stats on your life in the afterlife like smoked weed 5,687 times and jerked off 9,376 times and then you’d be like wow I knew I loved those things but it’s great to see the final numbers that back that up

Behave yourself or I’m sending a Bluesky code to your mom

Back in youth group we were only allowed to say Jean-Claude Van Darn

Hitchhiking to Thanksgiving and inviting the driver to dinner so instead of arguing about politics we can all just worry about being murdered

Me: this is my screenplay about a fraternity that gets kicked off campus because they party too hard so they build a spaceship to go party in space. It's called FRATELLITE

Movie producer: you just saved Hollywood

One time a telemarketer called my grandma and asked what she was using for pest control and she said “my shoe” and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make a joke that good

sorry I'm late to the meeting I was over on reddit telling people yes you are the asshole

Apologies for this top-tier mental health advice but you’ll be a lot happier when you just accept that there will never be a reckoning

The nice thing about being the old guy at work is that 80% of what I say is just something from Kids In The Hall but everybody’s too young to spot it

it wasn’t until decades later that I told my mom I hid weed in my Nintendo as a teenager and she revealed she knew that and had been smoking a little of it while playing Metroid for hours a day