Coach Rusty

took my melatonin too early and had to bust out the emergency cocaine

not to brag but several lesbians I grew up with have described me as their “last male crush”

if I die do NOT give my sister my fucking job or believe me you're gonna regret it

hello ladies you might be interested to know that I smacked my entire forehead on this beam because while I may be on my phone constantly I am NOT short

pretty interesting that you can get banned for jerking off in a Waymo even though you’re the only one in there

promise that you’ll always remember me this way (riding a narwhal before being arrested at the aquarium)

accidentally saw into my dental file and it said “extra Novocain this one’s a little bitch”

why did I sing the entire guitar solo to Free Bird at grandma’s funeral? because it was the first fucking line of her will that’s why

sometimes when I still feel bitter about the return to office mandate I just start opening pdfs and PRINTING SHIT

when I said “how’s your ice cream” I meant give me the rest of it

[knock at the door]

me: hi can i help you

guy who looks exactly like me: in 1997 you bought a pack of novelty flavored condoms from Spencer Gifts and there’s something you should know

me: oh fuck

I heard a distressed cat in a tree so I climbed up there to help and instead I found a very pissed off hawk and that’s when I realized I am not great at distinguishing animal noises

the thing I miss most about childhood is how I could just walk around my neighborhood knocking on doors and within about 15 minutes I’d be playing tackle football

my grandma still thinks hell is a bad word and I’m just like why can we never talk about where grandpa lives

Jesus would have told you to repost your enemies

everyone's all "you're wasting your potential" until I start doing shit and then they're all "oh no please stop"

if I ever disappear on a hike just don’t even look for me I probably did something very stupid and you’ll only find a couple body parts at most

hobbies? you mean like rehearsing fights in my head that haven't even happened yet?

I sure hope that drifter walking into the woods with a bunch of human bones isn’t up to no good

thank you for the Xanax but I didn’t have a panic attack I had a PANCAKE attack so if anything I just need more pancakes

might start selling a line of long division workbooks for adults who just wanna fucking RELAX

they told everyone to bring their speciality to the work potluck so I’m just bringing a giant plate of vibes

I love the way the dentist gives you sunglasses to wear now they got me feeling like Bob Dylan up in this bitch

my unpopular skeets are the only ones I DO like so suck on that