God

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose.

Other signs of his alcoholism included dizziness and chronic reckless behavior.

I now have 10,000 followers here but over 5.9 million at the other place. If you want Me to switch for good I need you to get the word out that I'm here, pathetically desperate for worship (just like in real life), and filled with even more contempt for you here than I was there.

There, there. Don't you fret. Just seven more years and it'll all be over.

YR4: the asteroid with a tiny chance of hitting Earth

The asteroid named YR4 has a 1% chance of hitting Earth in 2032

It would be bad enough to see your country destroyed by an evil genius. But an evil moron, that's just embarrassing.

The same people who don't believe the sea is rising have no problem believing Moses parted it and Jesus could walk on it.

You can't just say "Goddammit!" and expect Me to damn it. There's a procedure. File the paperwork.

I'm here because I invented the blue sky. The overheated ozone-depleted sky, though, that's all you.

Matthew 28, John 20.
Luke 24, Mark 10.
That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

When life gives you lemons, make lemon garlic salmon. You’ll need salmon, lemons, garlic and butter. Melt the butter, crush the lemon and garlic through it, pour over the salmon, and grill. Top with parsley and dill.

The planet’s two biggest assholes are the President of the United States and the world’s richest man.

This is not ideal.

You're a climate refugee in the making.

I have lost control of the situation.

I just accidentally sent My plans for the Apocalypse to an editor at The Atlantic.

The solution to the transgenders-in-bathrooms issue is to create a third bathroom just for bigoted assholes.

Today's the day for you to get any last-minute democracy in.

In an ideal world the President of the United States, the world's richest man, and the two worst humans alive would be four different people.

I don't create complex marine ecosystems in your landfills, so please don't dump shit in My oceans.

Most Christians celebrate Jesus mainly for his birth and death, and gloss over the insignificant period between them known as "his entire life".

The fact that most people take the word “Amazon” to mean “place to buy stuff” rather than “dying cradle of life on Earth” tells Me your species is not worth saving.

You can tell BlueSky is doing well because it is now apparently a hotbed of woke communist anti-American illegal-immigrant-loving liberal elitist transgenders.

In an ideal world the President of the United States and the worst person in the world would be two different people.

I only know what I'd do without Brian Wilson.

There's no need to worry over the future. Worrying over the present is more than sufficient.

I created you in My image and I am an asshole.