soul nate

2025 white house cabinet meeting

guess where we’re complaining about it now bitch

i miss the early internet. people were like “you gotta see this dude. this cat sure is long.” and they were right. it was really long. it never shoulda gotten any more complicated than that.

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?

guard: [looking away] fine

wife: did something happen?

guard: [tearing up] no

wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack.

phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no

on “Wonderful Christmastime,” Sir Paul McCartney set out to make a timeless christmas classic and also to figure out what every button on his synthesizer did, and he absolutely succeeded at one of those things

in the 90’s, computers would scream every time you went online. that‘s called foreshadowing

if we are all going to be forced to relive 2016, they should at the very least let us see mad max fury road in theaters again

must rock being a cybertruck guy. every time you pull up it’s like beep beep make way for the Ambassador of Divorce

imagine being the CEO of spirit halloween. you only work a single month a year and you make 10 billion dollars. your only job is sell skeleton. life is good.

and then some FUCKER from *Home Depot* says “let’s make one taller than god.”

[threatening a baby] here comes the airplane

american schools: on the first thanksgiving, the pilgrims and native americans shared dinner to celebrate their peaceful coexistence in the new world 😊

me: that sounds nice! what happened next?

american schools: uhhhhhhh. dessert

republicans: fyi we are bombing france for being too gay and lead poisoning is now mandatory

democrats: yeah? well prepare yourselves for several strongly worded haikus

welcome to all new bluesky users. please keep in mind that it is still in beta. there are many features still missing, so please be patient. for example, you may notice that this app loads posts and then shows them to you, instead of not doing that for some reason.

me: what’s crazy is that rudy giuliani first rose to fame because of 9/11

teen born in 2006: ohh. like he helped do it

me: ok no, but i see how you got there

if i were the NYPD i would try releasing some facts about the shooter that do not make him sound awesome

what’s- what’s the good way

[first day as a shepherd]

boss: where are you going?

me: [pointing] star

boss: what? why

me: [shrugging] baby

shout out to kendrick lamar for making this the Worst Week Alive for every single hot dog stand employee

can’t believe my stupid ass has imposter syndrome while elon musk is confidently marching around twitter HQ and chewing on wires until something breaks

all that money was woke, you see

[every assassin’s creed game]

NPC: hello it is i, your best friend wolfgang amadeus mozart! i made you this crossbow

hideo kojima: my next game is about a guy who delivers packages

video game executive: cool. sounds very normal

kojima: [lightning strikes in the distance] i assure you it is not

fostering a dog and he just tried to eat my lasagna. you’re not a cat bro. that’s cultural appropriation