Mariana Z

50 Shades of Grey is only
"romantic" because he's a bilionaire.

If he lived in a trailer park it would be an episode of Criminal Minds.

Jesus was here

I'm having salad for dinner.

Actually, it's fruit salad.

Well, mostly grapes.

OK, all grapes.

Fermented Grapes.

Wine.

I'm having wine for dinner.

So my co worker just said: "You shouldn’t eat red meat!"
I said: "My grandfather lived to be 100yrs old."
He said: "Did he eat red meat?"
I said: "No, he minded his own business."

Flour comes from a plant, sugar comes from a plant, and chocolate comes from a plant.

So, basically a chocolate chip cookie is a salad.

Thank you for coming to my
Ted talk

Me: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster...

I know I should quit eating Thanksgiving leftovers…

But I can't quit cold turkey.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

My friend tells me he writes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer Songwriter, or sew it seams.

Brains are funny.

I can remember every word to a song I haven't heard in 20 years but I've got no clue what my email password is.

My 76-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.

After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."

Somebody asked me what to do with leftover bacon.

I'd never heard of such a thing.

I bought a little bag of air today.

The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it.

Three hardest things
for a man to say:

1: I need help
2: I was wrong
3: Worcestershire Sauce

I'm going to adopt a dog and call him Peeve.

He'll be my pet, Peeve.

OK, so naked running.

Apparently this means running without GPS, music and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

I tried cooking with wine last night…

After 5 glasses, I couldn't remember why I was in the kitchen.

I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach…

Now I’m the proud owner of isle 6.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid…

No one would be able to find it.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4,5,6,1,2,3?

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was…

My wife and I have a secret to making our marriage last.

Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant and have a good meal and a nice glass of wine.

She goes on Wednesdays and I go on Fridays.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Brains are funny.

I can remember every word to a song I haven’t heard in 30 years but I’ve got no clue what my email password is.

After some heavy drinking in a bar, I took a bus home. It may not seem a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.