Mariana Z

I'm having salad for dinner.

Actually, it's fruit salad.

Well, mostly grapes.

OK, all grapes.

Fermented Grapes.

Wine.

I'm having wine for dinner.

50 Shades of Grey is only
"romantic" because he's a bilionaire.

If he lived in a trailer park it would be an episode of Criminal Minds.

Jesus was here

So my co worker just said: "You shouldn’t eat red meat!"
I said: "My grandfather lived to be 100yrs old."
He said: "Did he eat red meat?"
I said: "No, he minded his own business."

I know I should quit eating Thanksgiving leftovers…

But I can't quit cold turkey.

Somebody asked me what to do with leftover bacon.

I'd never heard of such a thing.

Brains are funny.

I can remember every word to a song I haven't heard in 20 years but I've got no clue what my email password is.

Me: It doesn't have a tail, so I'm pretty sure it's a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster...

I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach…

Now I’m the proud owner of isle 6.

I bought a little bag of air today.

The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it.

Flour comes from a plant, sugar comes from a plant, and chocolate comes from a plant.

So, basically a chocolate chip cookie is a salad.

Thank you for coming to my
Ted talk

I'm going to adopt a dog and call him Peeve.

He'll be my pet, Peeve.

My friend tells me he writes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer Songwriter, or sew it seams.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

OK, so naked running.

Apparently this means running without GPS, music and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

I tried cooking with wine last night…

After 5 glasses, I couldn't remember why I was in the kitchen.

Three hardest things
for a man to say:

1: I need help
2: I was wrong
3: Worcestershire Sauce

My 76-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.

After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4,5,6,1,2,3?

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was…

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

My kids won’t listen to "WHITESNAKE" WITH ME...

SO HERE I GO AGAIN
ON MY OWN!

My wife and I have a secret to making our marriage last.

Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant and have a good meal and a nice glass of wine.

She goes on Wednesdays and I go on Fridays.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid…

No one would be able to find it.

Brains are funny.

I can remember every word to a song I haven’t heard in 30 years but I’ve got no clue what my email password is.