It's Abby. Yep

I love that now owning a Cybertruck is a recognized sign of bad decision-making. Like you paid $80,000 to get bangs

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments?

Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

For sale: baby shoes. So fuckin worn. This baby ran everywhere fast as shit

If you are a sexual predator waiting to be appointed to the presidential cabinet, stay in line

Be careful! During Halloween, the veil between our world and the great beyond is at its thinnest. You will never be in more danger of becoming an actual slutty nurse

What idiot called that little narc Elf on the Shelf and not Police Navidad?

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone

Teller: So is this not a robbery?

Me: No, it is

If a bear attacks you, stay calm. Try to see the situation from their point of view

Please don’t be insensitive. Posting about what you enjoy is triggering to people who can’t enjoy anything

Someone who does a good Putin impersonation, call up the White House and tell him to stop with all the tariffs

If this existence thing is just a dream, I'd rate it 40% on Rotten Tomatoes: The plot goes in circles, the dialog's annoying as hell, the villains are just plain stupid and the wrong people are nude

You can't teargas people into loving your policies

yay weekend

Are you there God? What the fuck, man?

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

My favorite thing about Elon Musk is that he proves money can't buy happiness. Or class, intelligence, friendship, love, purpose, grace, a sense of humor, a clue, taste, likability, expertise, empathy, enlightenment, compassion, respect, morals or whatever is the opposite of profound creepiness

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

London tube mouse rumble photo = most deserving award winner of all time imo

Perfect

can you die of too much news

World's Stupidest Man Pauses World's Stupidest Plan, World's Stupidest People Celebrate

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?

Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

Bluesky has as much bad news as X but over here, we're against it

Really, Google Gemini can do everything? Then let's see it fuck off