It's Abby. Yep

Welcome to America

If this existence thing is just a dream, I'd rate it 40% on Rotten Tomatoes: The plot goes in circles, the dialog's annoying as hell, the villains are just plain stupid and the wrong people are nude

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments?

Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

For sale: baby shoes. So fuckin worn. This baby ran everywhere fast as shit

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone

Teller: So is this not a robbery?

Me: No, it is

If you are a sexual predator waiting to be appointed to the presidential cabinet, stay in line

Someone who does a good Putin impersonation, call up the White House and tell him to stop with all the tariffs

If a bear attacks you, stay calm. Try to see the situation from their point of view

You can't teargas people into loving your policies

Be careful! During Halloween, the veil between our world and the great beyond is at its thinnest. You will never be in more danger of becoming an actual slutty nurse

Please don’t be insensitive. Posting about what you enjoy is triggering to people who can’t enjoy anything

BF: Dinner's ready

Me: One sec, need to write a post that saves the United States of America

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

yay weekend

What idiot called that little narc Elf on the Shelf and not Police Navidad?

Does this parcel contain anything liquid fragile, perishable, or potentially hazardous? Yes

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Vampire: Please invite me or I can't come in

Chuck Schumer: Promise not to hurt anyone?

Vampire: Haha we promise no such thing

Chuck Schumer: K get in here

can you die of too much news

Me: *makes a single small purchase from a brand*

Brand: We are now betrothed

Bluesky has as much bad news as X but over here, we're against it

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?

Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

My daughter is a trans woman.

Here is a comprehensive list of people and institutions she's harming by identifying as a different gender than she did as a child:

I saw a baby dachshund cross the street today was glad to be alive for it.

That is all