drew

I SAY YOU’RE BOTHERING PEOPLE WITH THIS PUZZLE BOX, BOY. YOU’RE COMIN’ ON TOO STRONG WITH THE “SUCH SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU,” WITH YOUR SKIN PULLED EVERY WHICH WAY

Reply to @dogballs.info

"it took them thirty minutes to refill the wine carafes this is unacceptable" listen to yourself. none of us are supposed to be here. we should be hiding in trees from bears. language is a miracle, we cannot use it like this

Doctor: I have some bad news about your son. I’m afraid he’s too cool.

Mom: can he… can he still go to school?

Doc: you may want to sit down for this

I cannot wait to see what the swine think of these pearls

Wait was this country invented by perverts

I love Chappell Roan because she's telling me that I cannot make my wife cum (true) but in a way that is just so danceable

One thing that's fun about working in entertainment now is how much begging for money from Saudi Arabia everyone is doing

Sunny Day Police State

Joey McAllister @joeymcallister.com

Was this very mid-2000s emo person press-ganged into ICE servitude?

INT. JIGSAW TRAP ROOM - NIGHT

A MAN (30's, hot) wakes up next to THE ASS-REMOVAL MACHINE. A tape starts playing.

JIGSAW (v.o.): Hey idiot

Ask not for whom the Ben Folds

Every part of the chicken can be the chicken tender when we teach that chicken to forgive

I think it’s safe to say they’re just gonna be enforcing the laws they want to enforce against the people they want to enforce them against instead of honoring the body of the constitution as an all-encompassing mandate for behavior, so you gotta stop seeing the world inside that system

If we do a civil war football season is gonna be super awkward

As a child I was led to believe that history was done happening but it appears to be turbo-happening

Well son it all started because a bunch of people got mad at having to be considerate, and now soldiers can beat you to death if they think you have an attitude in the bread line

Wife’s out of town so you KNOW I’m keeping a night light on in case monsters

Ahh, “hot”. The “loud” of temperature

“Common whore” implies the existence or rare, legendary, mythical, and heirloom whores

Ex girlfriend got engaged and posted it on instagram. I’m honestly happy for her, which is what I was trying to express in the first two voice mails

Every time I go on Threads it's just a conveyor belt of men I have worked for/with tagging airlines in their posts complaining about their terrible experience in the Delta Sky Club or whatever

Trans rights are non negotiable. It’s like a foundational aspect of a better world

One thing they don't tell you about working in media is that the majority of executives at these companies straight up have never watched any of the shows they make

Travis Kelce MUST NOT lose his virginity, even after marriage. It is the source of his strength

Reply to @jordanuhl.com

Yes we famously pushed back on authoritarians too soon, historically