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REPUBLICAN SENATOR: Democrats want you to believe that sending FIVE MILLION DOLLARS of YOUR tax money to MEXICO to “manage” the “Dick Exploding Spider” population is “normal”
SAME SENATOR SIX MONTHS LATER: (walking like a saddle-sore cowboy) This is the greatest public health crisis of our lives,

oh man I can’t believe the Enhanced Games are actually happening lol. wow I wonder who would win between an insane person who has dedicated their entire adult life relentlessly training to become the most perfect athlete for their chosen sport and a guy who wanted to skip that part

Gabe Fernandez @thelatinochild.bsky.social

Hunter Armstrong, a non-juiced, "non-enhanced" athlete won the 50-meter backstroke at the Enhanced Games, beating two athletes who spent the last few months taking PEDs under stringent medical supervision. www.sfgate.com/sports/artic...

Ex-Cal swimmer doesn’t use steroids for Enhanced Games, wins race anyway

Not everyone took advantage of the PED permissions.

one of my favorite facts about the US coal industry is that it employs less people than Broadway

(in the seventh month of defending a candidate who has slowly revealed himself to be a werewolf) so actually I think most guys get worse under the full moon

found out you can borrow a button maker from the public library

I purchased a wacky inflatable tube man for a project and since taking receipt of the wacky inflatable tube man the wacky inflatable tube man company has accidentally shipped me a second wacky inflatable tube man. I just received a third shipping confirmation. I am concerned about this trajectory

Millennials: we have got to start talking up the Financial Crisis. The Greatest Generation dined out on the Great Depression for 80 years. If we’re not all out there talking about how we had to have five roommates and sell our plasma to buy ringtones I’m worried we’ll be missing our shot

the president loves stealing your money and giving it to pedophiles, folks. it’s like his favorite thing to do

amanda moore 🐢 @noturtlesoup17.bsky.social

Andrew Paul Johnson was arraigned in a Florida court in October on multiple charges, including molesting a child as young as 11 years old. Johnson dangled the prospect that one of the children could receive money bc...he was entitled to $10 million as part of reparations for his January 6 arrest.

Pardoned Capitol Rioter Tried to Hush Child Sex Victim With Promise of Jan. 6 Reparation Money, Police Say

Pardoned Capitol rioter Andrew Johnson tried to keep a child sex abuse victim quiet with claimed $10 million Jan. 6 reparations, police say.

as the canonical “median bluesky user” I’m happy to announce that this is now a website for 39 year olds

apropos of nothing, “if you tune your algorithm right you barely see nazi shit” is proof positive of a brain so cooked by twitter as to have completely lost the plot

there’s been a terrible accident down at the blowjob factory

too late guys, everyone younger than you is a communist now. you should have restrained capital like 1% more while you had the chance and then maybe this wouldn’t have happened

The Washington Post @washingtonpost.com

Rep. Tom Suozzi (D-N.Y.) and Rep. Adam Gray (D-Calif.) have launched what they hope will act as a rallying cry for centrists, declaring that “we are capitalist, not socialist.”

Centrist Democrats launch new pledge: ‘We are capitalist, not socialist’

A pair of Democratic House members who won Republican-held seats want others to sign a vow for moderate policies.

do you think donald trump has ever worn a backpack

I'm excited to announce that today we have filed to take Magic Beans, Inc. public. This is an important milestone for our team, our investors, and our customers. We expect to list in the coming weeks, hopefully before the general public discovers the Terrible True Cost of our beans.

little girl at the park asked my wife if she had "evil in her heart"

I bought this mosquito trap from costco the other day and set it up to run overnight and this morning I ran into the backyard excitedly to see if it worked and when I opened it 100 mosquitos flew out

they bring the wife from Up back to life to reunite her with Carl and immediately shoot her in the head

IGN @ign.com

Longtime Woody actor Tom Hanks has said Toy Story 5 has "one of the most heartbreaking scenes" the Pixar movie franchise has seen in its 30-year history. https://bit.ly/4u0S4jb

I think it's fun to have a James Bond who was in high school during Covid

cannot be overstated how stupid this guy is. they have to give him posters that say like “America LOVE Ballroom” with a picture of a big smiley face before every presser or else he falls asleep. he simply cannot comprehend any information that isn’t delivered in comparative pictograms

Matthew Gertz @mattgertz.bsky.social

I guess we're really never getting the strait opened.

New York won a championship? well, how long could they realistically celebrate? surely they have a bedtime

Am I “unc?” I don’t know, is it “unc” to relish a sunset? Is it “unc” to see the world renewed in the peal of a child’s laughter? To stand still in the ebb of a river of time and grin at the rushing parr with the wisdom of eternity? To rhyme a wilting flower with the universe? Is that “unc?”

ZOMBIE: I got bit a few months ago. My neighbor cornered me in the garage when I had my headphones in. I’m still coming to grips with everything. That I’ll never see my family again. It’s hard.
ZOMBIE WHO GOT TURNED BY A CELEBRITY ZOMBIE: For sure, for sure. I actually have a pretty crazy story too,

just saw banksy clamber up there. get away from there banksy