Rob Delaney

🕯️My cousin Brian passed away last night. After a courageous 3 wk stint with ICE. He slipped on a fellow agent’s frozen peepee puddle & somersaulted many times in the air, yelling “yabbada yabbada yabbada” & tragically aspirating (a different) agent’s pee he’d been gargling. He hated women🇺🇸💔

These are the 4 things AI can do well:

•Clean up your email inbox (badly)
•Give my shittiest neighbor (Alan) something to talk about at a party
•Tell a 12 yr old to kill himself
•Incinerate a school at 10:16 AM on a Tuesday

You can see why we need to base our economy around it

naturally

this is you in meta’s pervert glasses

Digital Brain @yourdigitalbrain.bsky.social

BBC engineers built robo-cameras disguised as dung heaps to film wildlife at distances no human crew could ever get close enough to reach.

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A very happy 80th & final birthday to our great President!

Please CHRIST look at the UK; Starmer’s Labour didn’t win the last election; the Conservatives lost it. The thing to do is to *BURN AWAY* Schumer, Jeffries et al through direct action, protests, primaries. You and I are in charge (sorry! but also: congrats!) Catch up with us, Dems, or be retired.

This is terrible. It is also an opportunity for certain journalists to finally speak up with a *fraction* of the courage the people of Minneapolis have shown. It is also instructive that Lemon is Black. Woe/pox etc upon white journalists who don’t freak out about this.

Don Lemon @donlemonofficial.bsky.social

Don was taken into custody by federal agents last night in Los Angeles.

Threads is the worst. Massively psychologically damaging to scroll thru feed of factory-installed celebs who suck & brands. Better to be hatecrimed on Twitter or vibe-policed by some weird teenager named BipsyWolf on here. I wish it ill.

The “secret” about Backrooms is that it’s just a good movie, by any yardstick. The way to replicate its success is to support & develop young writers & directors. And to give me a modest 5 million dollars to make my movie.

Culture Crave 🍿 @culturecrave.co

Hollywood agencies are searching Reddit for short stories and ideas that could be turned into movies following the success of 'Backrooms' (via THR)

Ah fuck my lawyer got drunk & kidnapped a woman & then her husband went to save her but he hit my lawyer’s car from behind when my lawyer slammed on the brakes to pull in to a gas station to buy boner pills 🇺🇸🗽

Grogu found some raisins in my backpack and ate them and had a seizure and died

Usually the onion is funny but this is a miss. This has happened to my cousin Tebney & we have no recourse

The Onion @theonion.com

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

WASHINGTON—In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the...

Myself & the other comedians who did the Riyadh Comedy Festival are donating our fees to help get influencers under attack in Dubai back home to their influencer houses. I am sponsoring Braevyn McTaigg from Orlando, FL. 🫡🇺🇸🏝️

Another way AI leads to suicide is that hearing people talk about it makes you want to jump into a jet engine

The President has 2 settings: diarrhea and asleep

This is rage bait but 1 of the most eye-opening things I’ve learned from leaping up a few tax brackets due to luck is HOW MUCH MONEY there is at the top. Straight up unfathomable. Way, way, WAY more than you think! California can afford ANYTHING. YOUR govt can afford ANYTHING. Demand it all!

Make It Make Sense @themimsshow.bsky.social

Californians get free diapers. But at what cost?

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It’s essentially an emergency that you see One Battle After Another in the cinema immediately. Sean Penn will win an Oscar & it has the best car chase in many years. And those aren’t in the top 3 best things about the film. Jesus shitting Christ.

Modest Maus

Misha Tri-Flow Glow @spoketension.bsky.social

Death Camp For Cutie over here

Calling him “Mr. Dilbert” is what sets the Onion apart.

The Onion @theonion.com

Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’

If you’re a comedian I know who’s doing the RIYADH comedy festival, it’s not too late to drop out. The money you make will poison you. You have fucked up & you can correct the big bad mistake you’re making. Also the ppl I know who are doing it are SO WILDLY RICH already. Christ.

Reply to @robdelaney.bsky.social

My cousin Shawn took weed to impress a girl when we were teenagers and his asshole & penis switched places. All the doctors at the (real) Pitt threw up when they saw it. Be my guest and Get “high” if you want this to happen to you

Just joined UK’s Green Party for a few reasons. Starmer himself suggested ppl like me leave the Labour Party when he assumed leadership. Request granted. But the Greens’ recent success & polling (and more importantly their policy goals!) show them to be robust & viable.
join.greenparty.org.uk